I hate living in a joint family

well that is kind of harsh since i have never lived in one as a wife, but i have seen the joint family setups of my relatives, and even the ones who look happy on the outside always have some aspects that i cannot tolerate.

people usually hate on the wife for asking for her own separate house, and say "oh you should treat your in-laws like your own parents." Uhh...I wouldn't want to live with my own parents either after marriage! And I get along with them so well. I wouldn't want to live with *any* other couple, even if they were my best friends, just because of the lack of privacy. So hopefully my hubby would feel the same.

Potential conflicts in joint family:

-MIL is a housewife, DIL works--> conflict bc MIL feels DIL is neglecting the family and DIL feels deceived b/c MIL knew of her intention to work

-MIL supervises DILs cooking ---> MIL thinks she is just being nice by making sure DIL doesn't mess up/ DIL is annoyed because she can't make a meal in peace

-Son and DIL want to go alone for dinner-->MIL feels hurt that she isn't invited/DIL feels annoyed that she doesn't get any time alone (even worse--son doesn't say anything).

-MIL wants DIL to change her become more religious, or wear less american clothes -->DIL is annoyed because she is not a child--> MIL thinks DIL is disrespecting their faith

-DIL disciplines children to prevent them from getting spoiled--> MIL overpampers the kid --->Kid might turn into spoiled brat or become manipulative

-DIL leaves dishes in sink or postpones some other chores--> MIL is offended that DIL left the chore for her --> DIL annoyed that she has to do everything by her schedule, MIL thinks DIL is lazy.

-If DIL asks for help from hubby, parents in law get offended that DIL is making their son work...so wife is left to do ALL the housework in evening in addition to full-time job (either outside the home or as SAHM) during the day.

-MIL or FIL butt into arguments of DIL and son --->DIL and son are both irritated

-MIL makes snide comments and when DIL tells hubby, he blames it on her. DIL is upset that her opinion means nothing and MIL is upset that her son found out...she might get upset at DIL too.

-Basic affection! Can't kiss each other goodbye, watch a movie on the couch, or even talk about the day without having a feeling of someone watching you!

-Feeling 'monitored' at all times!

-Having to be accountable to in-laws about where you're going

These conflicts can occur very easily, and it doesn't mean one has an 'evil' mother-in-law, it would happen if any two couples had to live in the same house but it is multiplied because the son and DIL are not on the same footing in regards to the 'other couple'. So I really think joint family is 90% YUCK! And that's coming from a person who loves family and having guests over and visiting them.

Just to be fair, I'll add some positives of joint family.

-MIL can help DIL with reducing the burden of chores (*Sometimes*. Other times MIL may demand extra work)
-If DIL is foreign-born or raised, cultural guidance of MIL can be very helpful.
-MIL can help with childcare.
- MIL and FIL are not left alone and share in the happiness of the household.

I know one girl for whom joint family has worked out very well. She has the top floor of the house for herself and hubby, and she even has her own separate room for studying. She is only 20. Her MIL treats her like a daughter. She doesn't have to do any housework at all besides keeping the top floor clean. In dawats she has to help in the kitchen, so she is getting 'training' but doesn't have hassle of managing cooking with job and school. Her parents-in-law pay her tuition for school and are very helpful. The main thing is that her husband is very supportive of her and corrects anyone right away (her SILS can be mean to her). That way she doesn't ever need to say anything and look like the 'bad bahu'.

I think one good scenario would be if the boy and girl establish their own house, enjoy the honeymoon period, get to know each other, have one or two children, and then after that parents can move in. This way it's a completely different dynamic, and the husband/wife have a stronger bond at this point and perhaps have discussed how to make the best of the situation.

Anyway, the main thing for me is to have a great relationship with my in-laws, and both of us should live in a way where we feel comfortable around each other. They might feel weird around me too, most people overlook that! InshAllah...i will have a good relation with them and hub.